Surviving the Holidays When Your Family Is… A Lot
A personal blog with real therapist-backed tips
Thanksgiving is tomorrow, and it doesn’t really feel like it.
The holidays don’t magically transform a complicated family, and the dysfunction doesn’t disappear into emotionally mature ones. "Conflict, misbehavior, or abuse" are characteristics of a dysfunctional family (Arora & Prakesh, 2018). Family relationships can be tense and characterized by unhealthy communication and a gentle sweeping under the rug. The holidays and family gatherings can increase feelings of anxiety, emotional reactivity, stress, and feeling overwhelmed.
So if you’re already mentally preparing for the uncomfortable and inappropriate questions, the pressure to be nice and smile, or the classic, “¿Y tu novio? ¿Y los babies?” “Have you lost weight?” “Have you gained weight?” Trust me, you’re not alone. The expectations and roles are so ingrained in our cultures that they can feel heavy and a lot.
But here’s the truth: you are still allowed to protect your peace and know your limits.
Even during the holidays. Even with Family. Even with family expectations and culture whispering in your ear.
Here are some tips to stay grounded when navigating the holidays, especially if “home” doesn’t always feel like home and family doesn’t feel connected.
1. Boundaries Are Allowed
Boundaries are for you; they are a form of self-respect. By knowing your own limitations and capacities, your energy bank is not left in the negative. Oftentimes, families who benefit from you having no boundaries are the first to get upset with you when you finally set them, because they are no longer benefiting. Prepare for push-back, and stand firm. Setting the boundaries doesn’t make it wrong or bad; it means it’s overdue, and you need to take care of your well-being.
Now, there are different types of boundaries, and if you haven’t read: Set Boundaries, Find Peace. by Nedra Glover Tawaab I recommend.
There can be boundaries around coversations: “I’m not discussing (subject) today”
There can be boundaries on time: “I’ll be leaving by 7 pm”
There can be boundaries for space: Needing to step outside for fresh air, get a walk in.
2. If It’s Uncomfortable or Unsafe, You Don’t Have to Sit Through It
Respect is a two-way street. If you feel your breath shorten, your shoulders tense, or your stomach drop, that’s your nervous system signaling distress. Removing yourself is a healthy and evidence-based self-regulation strategy (van der Kolk, 2014).
Try This:
Step outside.
Go for a short walk.
Take 10 deep breaths.
Use grounding techniques like 5-4-3-2-1.
3. Make an Exit Plan (Your Emotional Escape Hatch)
Leaving early doesn’t make you dramatic; it makes you self-aware. Research shows that having an exit option in stressful environments reduces anxiety (Herman, 1992).
Exit Lines:
“I’m heading out now. Thank you for having me.”
“My body is telling me I need rest.”
“I’m calling it a night.”
4. Protect Your Energy Like It’s Sacred
Emotional safety matters. The reality is that when you don’t feel emotionally safe, it can increase stress, overwhelm, and burnout. Not everyone deserves access to your emotional world. Guess what, you have a choice on how you show up, what you choose to talk about, and who can have access to you.
Protective Strategies:
Sit near safer people.
Limit conversations with triggering relatives.
Avoid oversharing with unsafe individuals.
5. It’s Okay to Feel Relief When It’s Over
Some people leave the holidays feeling filled up. Others leave emotionally drained. Both are normal reactions. Research shows the body needs time to decompress after overwhelming environments (Porges, 2011). Make time for self-care after spending time with your family; it’s okay to need time to recharge.
End-of-Day Regulation Ideas:
Soft lighting.
Comfort shows.
Warm drinks.
Journaling.
Grounding exercises or meditation.
Final Thoughts
If this season feels heavy, complicated, or emotionally loud, you’re not alone, and you’re not “too sensitive.” You’re self-aware. You’re healing. You’re breaking patterns that didn’t start with you.
You are not required to sacrifice yourself to keep holiday traditions alive.
This year, choose peace.
Choose boundaries.
Choose emotional safety.
Choose yourself, boldly and unapologetically.
You deserve a holiday that feels safe, soft, and aligned with the future you’re building, not the past you’re surviving.
with warmth and gratitude,
Stephanie
References:
Arora & Prakesh. (2018). Dysfunctional Family – Characteristics and Effects. Firstcry Parenting. Retrieved from https://parenting.firstcry.com/articles/dysfunctional-family-characteristics-and-tips-to-overcome-its-effects/?amp
Porges SW. Polyvagal Theory: A Science of Safety. Front Integr Neurosci. 2022 May 10;16:871227. doi: 10.3389/fnint.2022.871227. PMID: 35645742; PMCID: PMC9131189. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9131189/
